i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Randomize
