Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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