If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
