I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
