this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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