I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
