So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I have tasted many bathrooms
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
