Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
