i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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