We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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