he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
