my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
