peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
