I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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