i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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