Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
