A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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