Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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