I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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