my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize
