Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
