It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
