the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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