Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You smell like stripper and shame
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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