I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
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