I think my fart just growled at me.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
