So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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