he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
don't judge my taste in strippers
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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