i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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