A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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