kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
