Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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