Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
