So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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