I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
