Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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