Got a toothbrush?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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