The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
