Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I need to sanitize my soul.
Randomize
