Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize