Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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