Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
