she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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