some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
