Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
