I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
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