I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
