Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
