Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
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