I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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