I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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