You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
