I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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