Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
