I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
