is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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