Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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