I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
