I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
