hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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