u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
