had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
